Thursday, September 03, 2009

Word of the day. Crapsifruit.

a. - Alt. of Crapsifruit. ~ (Crap-see-frute)

To be a bit crap and slightly fruity. (See John Inman.)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Friday, March 14, 2008


This is a FLOCK test...

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Friday, January 18, 2008


I've just done something very, very silly. I worked out how much time I spend commuting to my current job in Paddington. Wanna know? Well I'll tell you sweet reader. It's 4 and a half hours per day. Now that dearest, is a whopping 22 and a half hours per week. I basically travel for one day for every five. Now that's not right is it.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Off sick

Today I took a day off work because I felt like shite but I was determined not to waste it sitting about watching daytime teevee and drifting in and out of consciousness so I set about a few odds 'n sods that I've been meaning to do for a while. Here's a handy list.
Today I...

  • Learnt how to crossfade images in Flash using XML
  • Priced up a new bathroom online
  • Dropped off some old clothes at the homeless shelter down the road
  • Watched a whole episode of 'Diagnosis Murder' (Which frankly made me feel worse.)
  • Discovered how to burn disk from my wonderful new DVD recorder & PVR
  • Rediscovered joy in the humble, but mighty, custard cream

And it's only half three.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

How to write with feeling

The other day I was talking to one of my new-temporary work colleagues about hospitals and the like and the subject of the Hickman Line I once had to have inserted into me came up. For those of you that don't know what a Hickman line is it's basically an intravenous cathater (usually used in the administration of chemotherapy) that gets inserted through the subcutaneous fat in your chest and fed into your superior vena cava (I think) so stuff can be pumped in to you. In my case the 'stuff' was a nutrient mix that looked rather like loose mash potato... in a bag. Anyhow, when I got the part of my tale when I asked if the mirror could be adjusted so I could watch the surgeon inserting the line whilst I lay prone on the operating table, one of the guys listening to my thunderously interesting story asked me, quite openly and earnestly, how it felt. All I could say on this matter was that 'it felt weird'. How crap is that!
Now when George Orwell was asked how it felt when he was shot in the throat whilst in Spain he replied:

"Roughly speaking it was the sensation of being at the center of an explosion. There seemed to be a loud bang and a blinding flash of light all around me, and I felt a tremendous shock - no pain, only a violent shock, such as you get from an electric terminal; with it a sense of utter weakness, a feeling of being stricken and shriveled up to nothing. The sandbags in front of me receded into immense distance. I fancy you would feel much the same if you were struck by lightning. I knew immediately that I was hit, but because of the seeming bang and flash I thought it was a rifle nearby that had gone off accidentally and shot me. All this happened in a space of time much less than a second. The next moment my knees crumpled up and I was falling, my head hitting the ground with a violent bang which, to my relief, did not hurt. I had a numb, dazed feeling, a consciousness of being very badly hurt, but no pain in the ordinary sense."

Man I wish I could be more lucid at times.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Hi, I'm Nadine Baggott

“Hi, I’m Nadine Baggott celebrity beauty editor for such sterling publications as ‘Hello Magazine' and 'The Daily Mail' and regular guest on BBC ONE’s ‘Vanessa’ and I’d like to try to convince you that I’ve discovered a new revolution in women’s cosmetics but in reality I’ve just read that back of the box and fixated on one ingredient that just about everyone else knows about. Their called ‘Pantypapitudes’ and I think they’re the next big thing, bigger even than the other big things like ‘Nutrisse’, ‘Pro-MadeUp-Sium’ and ‘Make-Skin-Good-Smooth-rotention B’. You can tell I like this new product because I use heaps of it, 647grams a day to be precise. Can you see my flawless, waxy, doll-like skin? Can you see how it’s made my eyes sink into the middle of my witches shoe-face? You too can have this marvellous effect and have a face that looks like it caught fire and someone put it out with a spade by simply being gullible and believing what I tell you. Believe in me and you too can look like the beast from that ‘Beauty & the Beast’ TV show. Go on, you’re worth it. Or you can go buy Nivea’s new product that has 15% more air in it.”

Friday, September 28, 2007

SAL 9000

Trawling YouTube I came across this clip of SAL 9000 & Dr. Chandra.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Today's nice robot is...

SONNY from I, Robot

Sonny is an NS-5 robot designed by his creator Alfred Lanning, to be different from the other model NS-5's (he has blue eyes not gold) because Dr. Lanning wants him to carry out a very special request. Namely to shove him out of a high window. Now before you all start jumping up and down shouting, "But this is Nice robots Mr. TeaIsLife, not Evil robots!", Lanning orders Sonny to do it as his last request in order to get Will Smith involved for some strange and rather convoluted reason.
Now Sonny is a REALLY nice robot all things considered. As the plot rolls along it turns out that Sonny (previously suspected by Will S. of murder) is living with the deep, dark tormented secret that he killed his creator as an act of kindness. Aawww... Poor Sonny huh? He just wants to be liked and work out who he is and everything but everyone keeps pestering him and trying to inject little nano-killer-robot things into his head. What a bottomer.
Anyhow, Sonny (though not the most interesting of robots) does look mighty cool in the film and turns out to be quite a kick-ass bot later in the day so all's well in Nice-Robot-Land I feel.

Monday, September 24, 2007


So, as a follow up to my barely-successful, award losing series EVIL ROBOTS, I thought I'd delve once again into the robot barrel and see what examples of niceness I could dredge up and let me tell you, there are quite a few. You see robots are supposed to BE nice and nice they are a lot of the time. So, without further ado I present to you oh ever faithful reader, the first in my equally spurious NICE ROBOTS series.

Today's nice robot is...

SAL 9000

The erstwhile counterpart of the murderous barn-pot that was HAL 9000 in Arthur C. Clarke's 2001: A Space Oddysey, SAL 9000 was, like her 'brother', a supercomputer designed by Dr. Chandra for use as a reference system for HAL With her gleaming blue 'eye' and her sultry, Indian accented voice SAL was a far more comforting character than HAL for one reason above all others. She never asphyxiated anyone and bunged 'em out an airlock. That kind of thing will really put a crimp on your day after all and she frankly wasn't that kind of computer. She was nice. If she'd have done anything she would've let poor Dave Bowman back in whilst looking at HAL with a kind of 'I'm not angry HAL, just disappointed' look whilst HAL looked at his feet and shuffled about mumbling something about being 'sorry' and that he'd try to re-connect Frank Poole's oxygen pipe...
So there you have it. HAL 9000 - Evil. SAL 9000 - Nice.

The cosmic balance is restored.