Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Life Device.

Why is there no little device to sort out your life? There are devices to sort out all the component parts of a modern 21st century life. If you need organising - buy a Palm Pilot, (though I've always thought this sounded like a gentleman's masturbatory aid more than an electronic diary), If you suffer from being incommunicado at the most inopportune moments then the new Nokia 8730i Communicator will see you right. Do you have too much junk? Read 'The Life Laundry: How To De-Junk Your Life' only £6:39 from amazon.co.uk. Don't like the hassle of shopping? Shop online. People even date online now. Why bother trawling the less, (or more - depending on your preference), seedy bars & clubs for a prospective shag when you can do it in your lunch hour. I refer of course to the actual trawling not the shagging - though, again, I guess that's a preference thing. Easier, cheaper and there's less chance that the looks will fade with the club lights and you'll wake up next to the missing link. Why? Because EVERYONE knows that an internet dating service picture is invariably fake, screened for acceptability and/or out of date!

Mp3. Rip your cd collection onto your ipod and carry your entire album collection with you. Microwave your food in a tenth the time. Can't be fagged to microwave? Get foodtogo.com to make all the food for you for your hot date from hotdate.co.uk or easylay.com Too much like hard work? Order take-out online or on your WAP enabled, multimedia mobile phone that is now part of your Palm Pilot. Can't find your PDA? It's hooked to your HotSync Craddle (tm) you silly banana, busy downloading real-time updates of pizza delivery firms and contact numbers of inexpensive call girls from your self contained iMac digital hub via ADSL.

Even medicine, that last bastion of the educated and altruistic, can now be at your command. Self-remedies, herbal treatments, alternative therapies and the latest 'Don't Eat Anything That Contains Less Than 99% Pure Mountain Air' style self-preservation & health book, have placed medical prevention firmly in our jurisdiction.

So why has no one combined them into some kind of all encompassing doo-hickey? Imagine that! A device that simultaneously sorted out every aspect of your life! Imagine the wonder! Something new come up? Is there a death in the family or maybe an awkward rival at work? No problemo, just download expansion packs 13 & 107 - 'Bereavement - It's Just Birth In Reverse' & 'Get Outta My Face, You Complacent, Misogynistic Bum-Splat!' respectively.
I'd buy one. In fact, I'd buy two, one for this life and another for the next.

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Word of the day. Crapsifruit.

1. a. - Alt. of Crapsifruit. ~ (Crap-see-frute) To be a bit crap and slightly fruity. (See John Inman.)