Food that hurts

By rights this should be a misnomer but unfortunately there seems to be a surprising amount of foodstuffs on the market that are designed to injure, maim and, in some cases, even kill you. We’ve all experienced these at some point or another and I’m sure, like me, anyone that has now harbours a bizarre mix of deep seeded fear and frustration towards these products.
Before I go further I should point out that I’m not referring to the obvious culprits here, sure an apple full of strychnine coated razor blades will hurt if you try to eat it and a prawn and chicken kebab that’s been kept warm over a candle flame for a fortnight and sold from the back of a kitchen/bike in Old Street is sure to give you gip, but these things are clearly dodgy and anyone that eats them is, in truth, a massive idiot, or drunk. Possibly both. What I’m referring to here are the more innocuous culprits, food that looks, and indeed is, quite nice yet harbours a grudge against us.
The chief culprit of all this is the ticking time-bomb that lurks in pretty much everyone’s larder. I speak, (in hushed, frightened tones) of course, about Coleman’s English Mustard and this little fucker is a killer, believe me. But how can it be? It’s a condiment Ben. I hear you children. A condiment is a good, nae wonderful thing. It’s Heinz Tomato Ketchup, it’s Daddies Brown Sauce. It’s that funny pot of something smingey in an Indian restaurant that looks odd but is actually delicious when you slap it on your poppadoms. (Insert fruity, Babs Windsor-esque snigger here.) But no, English mustard is not one of these cheery food enhancers. It’s evil. Only us English, with our sense of apathetic sense of injustice and hatred of anything that becomes too popular, would invent a condiment that (though delicious and an absolute must on a sausage sarnie) makes your nose bleed when you eat it. If you make the slightest miscalculation in the amount when you’re applying it your eyes water, your throat closes, your nose starts to gush torrents of blood and your ears ring as tinnitus kicks in. Using it in a sandwich is the food equivalent of measuring out some kind of virus for use in a dirty bomb. I love the stuff, can’t get enough but man does it hurt.

One of the most dangerous foods out there folks, is a proper ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’ masquerading itself as it does in that most beautiful, joyous and friendly form, chocolate. Now I was always under the impression that the Swiss were a peace-loving race. They remained peaceful throughout WW2 and they’re internationally known for their neutrality in both their political and financial stances. In fact their most aggressive creation so far has to be the Swiss Army Knife, or is it? Well, frankly no, it isn’t. The Swiss clearly have some kind of self-flagellation style need to punish themselves and larger issues with the rest of the World, hence the creation of the Toblerone. Never in all my life has something so pleasurable as a chocolate bar caused so much pain and unnecessary suffering. I mean Christ. How do you eat the bloody thing without literally becoming a bloody thing. You need teeth of steel to bit off one of those huge, pointy, rock hard triangles and even then the fact that it’s shaped like some kind of barbaric 15th century stabbing weapon means you’ll probably end up gauging your palette whilst simultaneously stripping the enamel off your teeth and shattering your central incisors. Come on Switzerland, you make such beautiful things. Your watches are hand-crafted creations of staggering beauty, your knives are revered for their simplicity and used the World over and your banking system has a spotless reputation for superior service and security. What did we do to you? What have we done to make you so angry you must unleash on us, this punishment.

But the damage the Swiss have done whilst we eat is nothing compared to that inflicted upon us by the Swedish and Findus. Findus are the undisputed kings of painful food. Stevie B and I were chatting about this the other day at work when he, quite innocently, reminded me of the horror that is the Findus French-Bread Pizza. This innocuous looking monster has blighted many a young student’s life and, again, its main weapon is it’s subtlety, disguising itself as a pizza, a food that pretty much everyone on the planet loves and Italy’s greatest invention, is a masterstroke of subterfuge. They look okay, sure they’re not really a pizza ‘cos they’re on half a baguette but then that’s quite clearly stated in the name, they’re cheap and quick and can be done in the microwave – a true bonus for the busy student. But STOP! For God’s sake stop young man. When you pop this thing in your mouth you’re leaving yourself wide open for a two-pronged attack. This meal will damage you on two fronts. First the topping, which is (thanks to the power of microwaves) white-hot, will weld itself to the roof of your mouth whilst it rapidly dissolves your palette and eats it’s way into your skull like the acid that spills from the damaged Alien in titular film. Whilst your reeling from the shock of this the crusty French bread base, which has been nicely crisped so that has the same consistency as powdered glass, will shatter on you teeth and send shards of spikey pain lancing through you as the firmly embed themselves between your teeth and gums. All in all it’s not a nice way to die.
But Findus aren’t content with killing us with pizza, oh no. They have another weapon in their arsenal. Whisper its name boys and girls, huddle together in safety for fear that it should be visited upon you. I speak, of course, about the Findus crispy pancake. Its name is synonymous with pain and anguish and yet they are still on sale. Why? Is this the outcome of some sinister plot developed by our government and the Swedish in which the student population of our fair nation are to be the subject of a random cull? These things are a living nightmare and are available with three fillings. Minced beef, three cheeses and chicken, bacon and sweetcorn and all are deadly.
Once cooked the filling reaches temperatures not far off that experienced on the surface of the Sun during a particularly violent solar flare and reach a consistency similar to that of superheated lead in its molten state. Quite what kind of energy source they’ve invented to produce this heat is beyond my imagination but I can’t help but think they could put it to better use. Supplying the World’s electricity needs for example or providing a cheap and eco-friendly alternative to the fuel used to power the space shuttle. I have an image of men in sealed, sterile rooms wearing white all-over body suits with plexi-glass hoods, attached by air tubes to a bank of computer monitors working away with their hands inserted in one of those contaminent-free boxes, carefully pouring an unknown but volatile liquid into a savoury crust parcel. It must be like handling liquid plutonium. I’m sure most of the unexplained explosions and disasters in the World are down to the poor handling of Findus crispy pancakes.