Quote of the day

Me: "Pancake-day today guys - Shrove Tuesday."
Cleve: "Is it? It was Monday last year wasn't it?"

Yesterdays top stories...

Here are my favourite of yesterday's headlines from the BBC website.

Chinese man to hang for ant scam
A Chinese company chairman has been sentenced to death for running a scam involving giant ants.
Wang Zhendong promised investors returns of up to 60% if they put money into the fictitious ant-breeding project, the court heard.

Karaoke marathon as South Korean woman sings for 60 hours
A South Korean woman has set an unofficial world karaoke record after singing nearly 1,000 songs in just under 60 hours, reports say.
Kim Seok-ok dropped to the floor after her marathon effort, which she said she undertook to cheer up her sick husband.

Milli Vanilli film 'in pipeline'
Notorious pop duo Milli Vanilli are to be the focus of a film about their fall from grace, reports say.Universal Pictures is developing the film about the pair who were stripped of a Grammy award after it emerged they had never sung on their records.
The duo lip-synched on hits including 1989 single Girl You Know It's True.

And finally?...
Is sex on a plane illegal?
An A-list actor is accused of having a mile-high fling, and a private plane company plans to launch chartered flights for romantic liaisons. But what exactly is the legality of this much fabled form of sexual indulgence?

The future is getting closer

Underground 'Doomsday' seed bank unveiled.

This is very 'future' I trust you'll agree. Apparently, way off in chilly old Spitsbergen (one of the four islands that make up Svalbard in Norway) those canny boffins are about to go all 'doomsdaysurvivalofthespecieswemustsurvivelookoutforthatgiantasteroid' on us and dig their way 120 metres (364ft) deep into the side of mountain. Once there they'll build a very hi-tech and doubtless pristinely minimalist seed bank, the design of which was unveiled today.



It's within this 'Ark' that they'll bung seeds of all known varieties of food crops to safe-guard against a global catastrophe such as an asteroid strike of nuclear war. Brilliant. I can only hope that there will soon be an animal bank closely followed by a human storage facility where terabyte after terabyte of coded DNA are stored and sealed deep within the mountain. Presided over by inteligent but benign robot 'custodians', the DNA will ride out any disaster that befalls our planet waiting for the day when a program will activate and the DNA will be fired up and life will kick start into... Hang on. Getting a bit carried away with the Sci-Fi there. Still, it's a great story isn't it.

Some more incontravertibel truths...

I love flying but I hate air travel. It's so cramped and ungainly.
I'll eat pretty much anything. (Within reason.)
Despite what my brother says, I am not a 'Big fat hen'.
I'm on a mission to read everything by John Wyndham and I'm nearly there.
This is the first year since age 12 I've not read Douglas Adam's Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy or George Orwell's 1984
One of my highest pleasures is picking and eating blackberries straight from the bush.
I have a tendency to do a little involuntary, wiggly dance in my chair when I'm eating nice food.
I have been known to eat a whole bag of Wine Gums before breakfast and can easily drink three mugs of tea in half an hour.
I prefer milk chocolate to dark chocolate except where digestives & Hob-Nobs are concerned.
People probably think I'm an atheist but I'm actually agnostic (and that DOESN'T mean I'm a fence-sitter).
I do a funny, tappy-finger thing on the bar when I'm ordering drinks or I count them off on my fingers when getting a round in.
I can be mesmerisingly lazy when necessary.
I think reality TV shows are mindless, ignorant and dangerous shite. However...
I was coerced into watching the X-Factor final and actually quite enjoyed it.
I wish I had been born on Skaro, then I would be a Dalek.
I can't stop listening to the new Amy Winehouse album.
I don't understand what people get out of reading 'HEAT' or similar magazines.
I don't sleep too well and can sometimes be found pacing the flat at 3:30 a.m.
I like a drink.
I'm no stranger to the pie counter.
I'm engaged to be married.

I am an old fart

I'd rather have a cup of tea than a beer
I don't like loud music
I like a pub where you can sit down and hear what you're pub-partner is saying
I couldn't name anything in the Top Ten
Or the Top Twenty
Or Top Fifty come to that
I watch AND ENJOY 'Midsommer Murders'
I listen to music 'with a proper tune'.
I only dance when it's absolutely necessary (or when I'm very pished)
I'm not sure I agree with 'odd' flavoured crisps (I'll stick to the classics thank you)
I hold on to my pen until it's run dry, if I lose it or someone nicks it (Beth) I get upset
I drink ale not lager
I would rather go to the cinema than a night-club
I would rather go to the theatre than a night-club
I would rather go to bed than a night-club
I have special 'cozy' trousers I change in to when I get home from work
I can remember the theme tune to the old kids TV show 'The Adventure Game' but not what Beth told me to remember yesterday
My conversations tend to start with, "You know old so-and-so, you know... thingie..."
I think Russel Brand is a fashion victim and looks like a girl
I have a special painty stick that I use for stirring paint (it's an old wooden spoon)
I have shops and brands that "I will never be caught dead in"
I use the word 'daresay'
I have spare lightbulbs in my cupboard
I sometimes fart when I lift something heavy
I want some driving gloves
And a driving hat like my Granddad had
I want a shed...
On an allotment

Naff food I sometimes indulge in

I'm a bit bored today so I'm currently wasting my time by participating in a thread on The Guardian's Talk boards called 'Secret naff foods you sometimes dabble in' and I gotta say, it's pretty enlightening. An amazing amount of people think Monster Munch are naff - when they're clearly brilliant and I had no idea so many of us out there love a good ol' corned beef hash. But I digress. This thread got me thinking about crap food and how I secretly (and sometimes not-so-secretly) indulge from time to time. So, sweet-smelling reader, I give you a list of my all time favourite shite foodstuffs I sometimes indulge in.

1. Chicken & Mushroom Pot-Noodle. (Start with the obvious)
2. Beef & Onion Findus Crispy Pancake. (I've not had this since college in truth but I do sometimes get the odd craving. I've spoken about these before too.)
   
3. Prawn or Chive flavour Primula. (Essentially cheese spread in a toothpaste tube)
4. 'All Day Breakfast' in a can. (Wonderful when suffering with a hangover - truly)
5. Camp Coffee. (Coffee syrup with chicory - not 'gay' coffee in a John Inman way)
6. Butterscoth Angel Delight. (Seriously)
7. Liquorice Catherine Wheels. (Eaten whole or wound out depending on my mood)
8. Pork Scratchings. (Genius)
9. Smith's 'Scampi Fries' or the incongruously named 'Cheese Flavoured Moments'. (Need I say more? Probably)
10. And last but not least - the humble, but mighty, Scotch Egg.

Right, now that's done... I'm off down SPAR for a Ginster's Cheese & Mushroom slice.

The future is getting closer

The birth of the ray-gun.



Apparently the U.S. Military has developed what is known as the 'Active Denial System'. They claim that it's a non-lethal way of making enemies surrender their weapons. The ray-gun projects an invisible high energy beam which produces a sudden burning feeling but is claimed to produce no side-effects. (Quite how you can 'heat someone up' without there being any side-effects is beyond me.)
The Flash Gordon style heat-ray is fired from the back of a modified Humvee up to a distance of 500 metres penetrating the target's clothes, suddenly heating up the skin of anyone in its path to 50C. Apparently (according to the Army tech-bods) it's enough to cause discomfort but no lasting harm.
It also looks alarmingly like something that Godzilla would stamp on or the laser cannon employed by the rebel forces on Hoth.

A pie-chart of my day

Many Happy Returns

Happy Birthday Mr. Bowie you crazy make-up wearing, music-making, genre-busting, bisexual, Iman-marrying, Labyrinth-starring, mis-matched-eyed, personality-adopting genius you. Here's to being 60 and still cool.

Ugg boots

You look like you're a mental patient and you've gone out in your slippers. Stop it. In the words of Alan Partridge, "You look like you live on a ward."

2007

Happy New Year to you all! Here's to a prosperous, healthy and entertaining year ahead.